Everything was going fine! I went for a routine  ante-natal appointment.The midwife could not detect a fetal heartbeat, she called in a second midwife and she could make one out beating fast but they thought it was mine beating fast as i was becoming worried.I dropped my Daughter off at her Aunties and drove over to the Hospital.


Clive and i had had a tiff that day, and on the way to the hospital, i began to worry that the baby might not be ok,so in my head i made all sorts of deals with God that if he let the baby be ok, then  i would be good and not argue and do anything just s long as the baby was ok!
Clive was commuting at that time , so i rang him and told him not to worry but they had trouble finding the heartbeat and i would ring when it was all ok!



At the Hospital i went in the room for a scan.When i looked at the screen i could see that Harvey`s limbs were up ,as if floating in water, i could not see a heartbeat flutter as i had seen previously, but the nurse poked my tummy and i saw Harvey move!She was very quiet and i asked "Did he just move"?
She turned off the screen and another nurse moved towads me and put her hand on my knee, "I`m sorry" she said.



At first i was quite matter of fact, i re-arranged my clothing and sat on the chair.Trying to be calm,but my stomach churned and i had to rush to the toilet.I came back in and the nurse asked if i wanted to telephone my husband Clive, i said "no" that she should do it .She rang Clive who had left work the minute i rang him on the way to the Hospital.He was already in Portsmouth and about an hour away.



I do not cry very often! I tend to store it all up.On this occasion,  i sat in a little room on the ante natal department i cried until the whole room was full of tissues. When the nurse came in i said that we had just bought Harvey`s pram and all his clothes were waiting neatly for him, i had bought a little blanket to wrap him in to come home.



The consultant came in to a room full of tissues and despair! "Oh Dear" he said as he looked at me."Let it out " he said, "It is the ones who hold it all in we have to worry about!"

He asked about arrangements for after the birth and said i would be induced to give birth,This thought was terrible, but i had so wanted to see what a child of mine and Clive`s would look like and in one way i was excited that i would actually see our baby.



I told the consultant that i would be bringing the baby home with us.He patted my shoulder and said that he would talk to Clive about it when he arrived!



When Clive arrived they did ask him, and without consultation with me he said the exact same thing, that the baby would come home with us!
I love Clive all the more for this!



I was put in a room of my own.The nurses rang my friend who worked at the hospital, she had already left but she turned around and came back to sit with me not knowing what to say or do!



I was given some special tablets to help soften up my cervix,they hoped i would go into labour on my own.Clive asked before this, is there any chance that the scan could be wrong?I gazed up hopefully, but they said "no"it would not have gone this far if there was any chance of a mistake!



God did not strike up a deal with me! and i returned to be induced to have Harvey 2 days later.On the drive to the hospital i told Clive this would be our practice run and we would be doing this again.



On the way into the hospital we had to pass a heavily pregnant woman, smoking in the doorway! I couldn`t help but think why me, i didn`t do anything wrong for this to happen?



Harvey Ross Bax was born at 9.40 am on 28th March 2002, he was even more beautiful than i could ever have imagined!His Daddy`s ears, and dark hair like me.I was so proud and i rang my sister but i could tell she was upset.



We arranged to have a litle white zinc lined coffin made so that Harvey could come home with us.A nurse came in to put Harvey in a moses basket, she tried to cover him up, and said" there is no easy way of doing this, everyone will stare".We were quite annoyed with her and we told her not to touch him.We arranged him in the moses basket with love.Clive carried the basket through the maternity ward full of people holding their new born babies.It was the hardest walk of my life.



We visited Harvey in the mortuary every day until we collected his coffin to bring him home.Clive drove the car and i held the coffin in the back seat.We were both happy to be bringing him home to us.



We had a funeral in the back garden.Clive dug the grave and we invited the select few who had had anything to do with Harvey.Everyone cried when Clive brought the coffin out, we played a classical track, 
Time To Say Goodbye ,that Clive had played at his Mothers funeral.



When everyone went we lowered the tiny white coffin into the ground.



So, my Harvey is here with us.His grave is the last thing i see out of the window when i go to sleep at night, and his picture is the first thing i look at every morning.


I miss him every day and he is never far from my thoughts!

Sending comforting thoughts & prayers your way. There is no greater loss & pain than that of loosing a precious baby. God bless...
johnna-rusk.memory-of.com